Little Wing

Little wing, he used to called her. She has now returned to her little black box, hiding in the safest place she knows. He tried to open the box but failed. She decided that she didn't wanna go out anymore. Little wing is now safe in her little black box..

To You

To every one who said I can't,
who said I won't,
who said I'd failed,
who said I'm not the one,
thank you for giving the motivation I needed to prove you are wrong.

To every one who said I can,
who said I would,
who said I'd succeeded,
who said I'm the one,
thank you for giving me the support and love I needed to stay strong.

Thank You

I stopped dreaming, you helped me build new dreams. 

I stopped believing, you gave me reasons to believe. 

I stopped loving, you showed me how to love unconditionally. 

For everything you are, and everything you have given me, taught me, thank you. 

Life

When I recently opened my Facebook account, the first post that showed up on my timeline was a video of my friend's son's first birthday celebration. It led me to thinking of how amazing life is. We never knew what we eventually know. Who would have thought that my friend, who was a bad boy now became a successful businessman and married to a Vietnamese girl. But now we know, I know. 

Ten years ago I wouldn't have imagined my current life, where I stand, what I've been through, who I am now. So there, life goes on. All we need to do is to live in the moment, and to live life to the fullest. It may sound cliche, but it is true. No matter how fast technology grows, one thing I am sure of: man can never create a time machine. Because time belongs to life. And us, mankind, can only live it. 

Try

I recently passed final round interview for a cabin crew opportunity at one of the world's best airline. It was my third try. I tried two other airlines previously and was rejected by both due to physical requirements. I am so glad now that I didn't give up. I was very pessimistic and was ready to be rejected the third time. Who knew I made it this far. I am not hired yet, but to have made it until the last round was beyond expectation. So ladies, stay positive and keep trying! There will always be new lesson learned each and every day. You may not see it now, but you will eventually.

My Philosophy

I just completed my 1000 jigsaw puzzle today. When I first started, I was sure that the pieces were incomplete. Towards the end I was frustrated and all the pieces didn't seem to make any sense. But eventually, I made it. Slowly but sure. Piece by piece. There's this particular joy and happiness when I look at the picture and remember the memory behind it, and the effort put into it. Just like life. A friend once said, "No matter how hard the puzzle, and whether you don't think you have all the pieces, if you work hard enough it will become a beautiful picture."

We all have struggles, problems and obstacles in our lives. Whether it is work problems, relationship problems, financial problems. Sometimes we feel like there's no solutions. We lose hope. We despair. We forget or ignore to remember, it's not the end of the world. "This too shall pass." Only after we go through all the misery in life can we find and feel the true beauty and purpose of life itself. Life goes on. Memories fade. Sometimes in the end we realise what seemed to matter a lot didn't matter at all, or won't matter any more. Just keep the faith, learn the lessons, and know that you are stronger than you think you could be.

Sandiwaraku

Kemarin saya merayakan hari kasih sayang bersama dengan ibu saya di sebuah mal. Hal pertama yang kami lakukan begitu sampai adalah makan kecil di sebuah restoran menu barat. Saat saya mau minta bill, ibu saya buru-buru berdiri dan langsung menuju ke kasir supaya beliau bisa bayar. Reaksi pertama saya adalah mengomentari ibu saya "Mama jangan malu-maluin dong." Saya langsung menyesali perkataan saya tersebut. Niat baik ibu saya mau membayar malah saya balas dengan perkataan yang dilandasi gengsi seperti itu. Setelah itu saya langsung minta maaf ke beliau dan menyampaikan bahwa maksud saya hanya ingin membayar. Tapi sesudah minta maaf pun hati saya masih tidak tenang, dipenuhi rasa bersalah.

Dewasa ini hidup kita bagai sebuah panggung sandiwara. Kita menampilkan sisi kita ke dunia seperti yang mereka inginkan saja. Kenapa bayar langsung di kasir di rumah makan sederhana tidak memalukan, tapi di restoran atau kafe ternama memalukan? Karena lingkungan membuat 'peraturan' seperti itu. Jadi kita pun mengikuti apa yang "seharusnya" di mata dunia, bukan yang "sebaiknya" dan "sebenarnya". Memberi tips tidak lagi seikhlasnya, tapi sewajarnya sesuai rata-rata pemberian tips orang pada umumnya. Daftar belanja tidak lagi berdasarkan kebutuhan, tapi semata hanya untuk bersanding dengan kedudukan sosial. Niat baik tidak lagi didasari ketulusan, melainkan keharusan, kewajiban dan kemunafikan. Tidak lelah kah kita hidup di dunia yang fana ini terus berkompetisi untuk menjadi "manusia" ala dunia?

Rasa dan Asa

Sering kali saya baru menyadari betapa berharganya sesuatu saat saya kehilangan sesuatu itu. Setiap hari saya lalui dengan keluhan. Dari masalah pekerjaan, kesehatan, hubungan dengan teman dan keluarga, kisah percintaan, kondisi finansial, dsb. Hidup saya pun terasa tidak bahagia dan sangat melelahkan. Rasanya semua perjuangan saya sia-sia, menjalani rutinitas tanpa hasil. Padahal kalau mau saya telusuri kembali, saya bukannya tidak mencapai hasil apa-apa. Malahan, pencapaian saya terus beranjak. Kondisi fisik saya lebih kuat. Pekerjaan saya lebih baik dari segi pendapatan, yang secara tidak langsung memengaruhi kondisi finansial saya juga. Saya mencintai orang yang mencintai saya. Keluarga dan teman-teman saya pun tetap ada bagi saya. Tapi kapankah terakhir saya berhenti sejenak untuk berpikir, betap beruntungnya saya, betapa bersyukurnya saya dengan kehidupan yang saya miliki? Jujur, saya tidak ingat. Mungkin sudah lama sekali, atau tidak pernah sama sekali.

Ketika sakit, saya mengeluh. Ketika sehat, saya tidak bersyukur.
Ketika menganggur, saya mengeluh. Ketika bekerja, saya tidak bersyukur.
Ketika ada masalah, saya mengeluh. Ketika semua berjalan baik, saya tidak bersyukur.

Jadi, ketika saya tidak bahagia, salahkan siapa? Saya.

Berubahnya Aku

Hari ini saya reuni kecil-kecilan dengan teman-teman semasa kuliah. Tidak terasa waktu berlalu begitu cepat, dan banyak hal terjadi dan berubah. Teman yang dari dulu dianggap "bontot" sekarang sudah menikah. Obrolan "anak muda" berubah jadi "pembicaraan dewasa." Dan, walaupun karakter kami tetap, penampilan dan perhatian kami sudah jauh berbeda. 

Di tengah-tengah pembicaraan saya mendapati diri saya beberapa kali termenung melamun jauh...berpikir bagaimana kehidupan sosial membentuk diri kita, gaya hidup kita, "layak"nya kita. Rasanya memamerkan keberhasilan dan pencapaian menjadi sesuatu yang bukan dibanggakan, tapi hanya sekedar kesombongan dan eksistensi diri. Pakaian dan aksesoris hanya menjadi bahan presentasi diri. 

Apakah begini adanya ataukah "seharusnya"? Jati diri tertutup citra diri. Perasaan dipengaruhi pendapat orang. Keinginan dilandasi kepopuleran. Nilai orang didasari pencapaian. Indahnya hidup terganti dengan keindahan duniawi. 

Ketika semua orang 'berlomba' mendapat 'tempat' di kehidupan sosial, 'hidup' kah dia? Atau hanya sekedar 'menjalani' hidup?

Sometimes

Sometimes I wish I would run out of tears so I could stop crying. 

Sometimes I wish I have a heart so numb I could stop hurting. 

Sometimes I wish I have a forgetful mind so I could forget all the pain. 

Sometimes I wish I have a stronger soul to ignore what the heart wants. 

Sometimes is almost all the time. 

Lady Rain

It's raining heavily outside. I'm sitting at Starbucks sipping earl grey, waiting for taxi fares to go down. I've finished my ratatouille and now here I am - thoughts wandering the past. 

I remember over ten years ago I was a very tough young girl. Life was hard, but I didn't complain much. I woke up every morning to a new hope "today will be better" and went to bed with a grateful heart "thank God I survived another day."

I had faith, always tried to find the positive side of every situation, accept things as they were, believe life would get better. 

And now, ten years later, through all the struggles, life lessons, experiences, my life is much better, but I am not getting any better. I complain about every thing every day. I lost hope, always seem to find the negative side of every single thing going on in my life. Whatever is not right, is wrong. 

Was being tough too tough for me? Did I stop learning? How have I become a lost creature in the lost world? Am I adjusting to society's insanity? Why am I who I am today? What do I do to be a better me?

What about you?

To

He loves me dearly

He wants me badly

He cares about me truly

He forgives me sincerely

He's patient towards me

He's passionate about me

He's always there for me

He's wonderful to me

He understands me, he has faith in me, he believes in me.

He's love.

Change

It's funny how people can change in a second. One minute you think A, the next minute B. I, myself, have recently had this kind of experience. I had negative impression on the first and second interview of my new job, but on the third interview I completely changed my opinion and decided to accept the offer.

Today is the last day in September. Tomorrow is 'next month.' I've lived nine months of this year with so many feelings, emotions, which none of them stayed the same. Things change. People change. The world is changing. Whether we adapt and accept the changes or deny and reject is entirely up to us. The choice is ours. 

Random Thought

I like to play bubble games on my phone. I'm not actually a game player, but these bubble games particularly, I love them! Not only because they are the games I like to play when I was a kid, but also because the game is simple, colorful, fun and helps me spend time when I'm not in the mood or while waiting or queueing for something.

But, over time I no longer play the game because I loved and wanted to. I didn't enjoy it as much. I aim for the results. Doing it only to

get pass the next stage or to level up.

It's like loving someone isn't it? At first you like them, you fall in love with them, you wanted to spend time with them. But, over time it all becomes a routine exercise. You no longer enjoy the times you spend together as much. You give and take because it's 'usual.' Then maybe you start losing the passion. You might get bored. And you think you didn't love that person anymore (or you still love them, you're just no longer in love with them).

Same like parenting, you wanted a child, you were happy when they were first born, you enjoyed taking care and watching them grow up. But, you get tired (or sometimes exhausted). Eventually you started to think it may not be worth the hard work and all the care and love if they don't grow up and be the person you hoped them to be, be the great kid to you, love you, respect you. Then you started to complain.

Does the above theories make sense to you?

End of Day

She promised herself she would stay and try harder.

She told herself she would make it and things will go just fine. 

She convinced herself she could handle her feelings and carry on. 

But.....why is she feeling so miserable? Why does she cry herself to sleep? Why is she feeling uncomfortable? Why does she curse herself?

What is going on in that messy mind?

Sakit

Tangisan ini untuk siapa

Tangisan ini berapa lama

Tangisan ini untuk apa

Hati bersedih untuk siapa

Perjuangan ini berapa lama

Sesak di dada karena apa

Sadarkan diri jangan bermimpi

Luka di hati tak kan terganti

The Same Thing

This time she will be fine. She just needs to convince herself that every thing is fine. Ignore the thoughts. Stay cool. Have faith. 

Doc and Med

Doctor said I didn't eat enough and I didn't sleep enough. Doctor said my body is weak. That's why I fall sick. Doctor wrote me a prescription. 

Doctor said I think too much. Doctor said I'm too straight. Doctor said I'm a good girl. Doctor gave me some advice. 

Doctor asked me to rest. Doctor asked me to take good care of myself. Doctor asked me to come back.

Thank you, doc. 

Memory Box

The first kiss. The first love. The boat trip. The silk road. The morning coffee. The beautiful lunch. The quiet dinner. The garden. The house. The smile. The laughter. The warmth. The kindness. The surprises. The moments. The happy memories. All kept in a box. Locked. Buried deep. All she needed is to remember, there WERE happy times.

July

She's counting weeks to the new chapter of her life. Maybe this could help her avoid her self-destruct. Maybe this would help her find a new love. Maybe this would help her find her inner peace. 

She's not confident with what's coming up. She's not sure if this is the right decision. But she knows she needs to keep moving forward. So here she is..waiting..facing her fear.

Let the new life begin.