Berubahnya Aku

Hari ini saya reuni kecil-kecilan dengan teman-teman semasa kuliah. Tidak terasa waktu berlalu begitu cepat, dan banyak hal terjadi dan berubah. Teman yang dari dulu dianggap "bontot" sekarang sudah menikah. Obrolan "anak muda" berubah jadi "pembicaraan dewasa." Dan, walaupun karakter kami tetap, penampilan dan perhatian kami sudah jauh berbeda. 

Di tengah-tengah pembicaraan saya mendapati diri saya beberapa kali termenung melamun jauh...berpikir bagaimana kehidupan sosial membentuk diri kita, gaya hidup kita, "layak"nya kita. Rasanya memamerkan keberhasilan dan pencapaian menjadi sesuatu yang bukan dibanggakan, tapi hanya sekedar kesombongan dan eksistensi diri. Pakaian dan aksesoris hanya menjadi bahan presentasi diri. 

Apakah begini adanya ataukah "seharusnya"? Jati diri tertutup citra diri. Perasaan dipengaruhi pendapat orang. Keinginan dilandasi kepopuleran. Nilai orang didasari pencapaian. Indahnya hidup terganti dengan keindahan duniawi. 

Ketika semua orang 'berlomba' mendapat 'tempat' di kehidupan sosial, 'hidup' kah dia? Atau hanya sekedar 'menjalani' hidup?

Sometimes

Sometimes I wish I would run out of tears so I could stop crying. 

Sometimes I wish I have a heart so numb I could stop hurting. 

Sometimes I wish I have a forgetful mind so I could forget all the pain. 

Sometimes I wish I have a stronger soul to ignore what the heart wants. 

Sometimes is almost all the time. 

Lady Rain

It's raining heavily outside. I'm sitting at Starbucks sipping earl grey, waiting for taxi fares to go down. I've finished my ratatouille and now here I am - thoughts wandering the past. 

I remember over ten years ago I was a very tough young girl. Life was hard, but I didn't complain much. I woke up every morning to a new hope "today will be better" and went to bed with a grateful heart "thank God I survived another day."

I had faith, always tried to find the positive side of every situation, accept things as they were, believe life would get better. 

And now, ten years later, through all the struggles, life lessons, experiences, my life is much better, but I am not getting any better. I complain about every thing every day. I lost hope, always seem to find the negative side of every single thing going on in my life. Whatever is not right, is wrong. 

Was being tough too tough for me? Did I stop learning? How have I become a lost creature in the lost world? Am I adjusting to society's insanity? Why am I who I am today? What do I do to be a better me?

What about you?

To

He loves me dearly

He wants me badly

He cares about me truly

He forgives me sincerely

He's patient towards me

He's passionate about me

He's always there for me

He's wonderful to me

He understands me, he has faith in me, he believes in me.

He's love.

Change

It's funny how people can change in a second. One minute you think A, the next minute B. I, myself, have recently had this kind of experience. I had negative impression on the first and second interview of my new job, but on the third interview I completely changed my opinion and decided to accept the offer.

Today is the last day in September. Tomorrow is 'next month.' I've lived nine months of this year with so many feelings, emotions, which none of them stayed the same. Things change. People change. The world is changing. Whether we adapt and accept the changes or deny and reject is entirely up to us. The choice is ours. 

Random Thought

I like to play bubble games on my phone. I'm not actually a game player, but these bubble games particularly, I love them! Not only because they are the games I like to play when I was a kid, but also because the game is simple, colorful, fun and helps me spend time when I'm not in the mood or while waiting or queueing for something.

But, over time I no longer play the game because I loved and wanted to. I didn't enjoy it as much. I aim for the results. Doing it only to

get pass the next stage or to level up.

It's like loving someone isn't it? At first you like them, you fall in love with them, you wanted to spend time with them. But, over time it all becomes a routine exercise. You no longer enjoy the times you spend together as much. You give and take because it's 'usual.' Then maybe you start losing the passion. You might get bored. And you think you didn't love that person anymore (or you still love them, you're just no longer in love with them).

Same like parenting, you wanted a child, you were happy when they were first born, you enjoyed taking care and watching them grow up. But, you get tired (or sometimes exhausted). Eventually you started to think it may not be worth the hard work and all the care and love if they don't grow up and be the person you hoped them to be, be the great kid to you, love you, respect you. Then you started to complain.

Does the above theories make sense to you?

End of Day

She promised herself she would stay and try harder.

She told herself she would make it and things will go just fine. 

She convinced herself she could handle her feelings and carry on. 

But.....why is she feeling so miserable? Why does she cry herself to sleep? Why is she feeling uncomfortable? Why does she curse herself?

What is going on in that messy mind?

Sakit

Tangisan ini untuk siapa

Tangisan ini berapa lama

Tangisan ini untuk apa

Hati bersedih untuk siapa

Perjuangan ini berapa lama

Sesak di dada karena apa

Sadarkan diri jangan bermimpi

Luka di hati tak kan terganti

The Same Thing

This time she will be fine. She just needs to convince herself that every thing is fine. Ignore the thoughts. Stay cool. Have faith. 

Doc and Med

Doctor said I didn't eat enough and I didn't sleep enough. Doctor said my body is weak. That's why I fall sick. Doctor wrote me a prescription. 

Doctor said I think too much. Doctor said I'm too straight. Doctor said I'm a good girl. Doctor gave me some advice. 

Doctor asked me to rest. Doctor asked me to take good care of myself. Doctor asked me to come back.

Thank you, doc. 

Memory Box

The first kiss. The first love. The boat trip. The silk road. The morning coffee. The beautiful lunch. The quiet dinner. The garden. The house. The smile. The laughter. The warmth. The kindness. The surprises. The moments. The happy memories. All kept in a box. Locked. Buried deep. All she needed is to remember, there WERE happy times.

July

She's counting weeks to the new chapter of her life. Maybe this could help her avoid her self-destruct. Maybe this would help her find a new love. Maybe this would help her find her inner peace. 

She's not confident with what's coming up. She's not sure if this is the right decision. But she knows she needs to keep moving forward. So here she is..waiting..facing her fear.

Let the new life begin. 

Closed Book

Now she is assured. What they had wasn't real. It was a daydream turned into nightmare. Nothing was real. She just gotta move on. No more false hopes. No more expectations. If she doesn't worth his love, then probably he doesn't worth hers either. 

All that little hopes she had turned into ashes. He was lying. Nothing was true. 

Believe it's for the best. 

Goodbye, Red Velvet. 

The Man I Love

This is why she was always reserved. It is her heart that she's protecting. Because when she falls she falls deeply. When she gives she gives freely. When she feels she feels sincerely. 

Now that her heart is broken into pieces. What to do?

"It is seldom that a dream comes true........"

Help

And now she cries again. When will this end? She's sick of herself. She desperately needs help. 

Please... She's tired. Real tired. 

Torture

She's been feeling uneasy for....three months now? And tonight she just doesn't feel like sleeping. She's unhappy, for sure. She's alive though her soul is rested somewhere God knows.

She lies in bed. Staring at the ceiling. Hoping for something God knows what. Then she sits up. Wondering...breathing...

She wants to get over whatever feelings she has now. How... Her mind is restless. She's tempted to take the pills..again.

Tomorrow is another day. 

You and I

Why didn't you want me

Why didn't you keep me

Why didn't you love me

Why did you ignore me

Why did you reject me

Why did you turn me down

Why do I still love you

Why do I still want you

Why do I miss you

Why can't I stop thinking about you

Desperado

She's tired of crying, but she needed to cry more.

She is hopeless, but she's willing to try harder.

They say she's tough. Doesn't mean she's strong. 

They say she's cold. Doesn't mean she's not hurting. 

She reaches that one point where she just doesn't care about anything anymore. She's tired. Of everything. Of herself. Of her life. Of whatever. 

She seeked for help....in many ways. Did any of them work? If yes, why is she here now? If not, what should she do next?

Sweetheart

In the middle of the night, she decided to write him a love letter. 

Dear L,

.........................................

Everytime I think of you...

She is tired of crying. Her heart is breaking. Her body is not supporting. Her mind is confusing. She wanted to stop believing. But somehow she couldn't stop thinking. 

Why is she such stupid. Shouldn't have jumped in. Now she is lost and drowning. To the darkest nights she sleeps in. 

Mirror, mirror, you don't have to tell her who's the biggest fool of all....

The one that got away...

Because seeing him was a torture, a bad idea. Wanting him was wrong. Loving him was a lie. Ignoring was best. 

Because he didn't love her. He didn't want her. He didn't care about her. He didn't need her. He wasn't comitted to keeping her. 

Because she doesn't mean anything to him. Not worth his love, his life. 

Because they're not meant for each other. Because everything was only bullshit. 

May it be love...

Maybe it wasn't love. Maybe they were just lost. Maybe it's not the feelings. Maybe it's just memories. Maybe it wasn't sweet. Maybe it was bitter in disguise. Maybe they were not comitted to each other. Maybe they were just attached. Maybe it's not the chemistry. Maybe it's just loneliness.

Maybe they're just not meant to be. Maybe they need to let go. Maybe it's not hard to move on. Maybe it's just in their minds. 

Maybe it may be...

Incomplete

Empty spaces fill me up with holes 

Distant faces with no place left to go

Without you within me I can't find no rest

Where I’m going is anybody’s guess

I tried to go on like I never knew you

I’m awake but my world is half asleep

I pray for this heart to be unbroken

But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on

But I am swimming in an ocean all alone

Baby, my baby

It’s written on your face

You still wonder if we made a big mistake

I don’t mean to drag it on, but I can’t seem to let you go

I don’t wanna make you face this world alone

-lyrics-

Emma

I see her in my dreams. She's pretty, lovely and adorable. She smiles like an angel. She is amazing. She's smart and sarcastic, but cute and kind. I can't stop smiling every time I look at her. But, I only see her in my dreams.

Emma is her name...

Dia

Menjelang tengah malam kutermenung. 

Kekecewaan yang tak berujung.  

Dia yang tersimpan dalam hati. 

Bagaimanakah supaya kau mengerti?

Sakitnya diri ini tiada henti. 

Masa lalu sudahkah tak berarti?

Menangis....lelah. 

Bermimpi.....indah. 

Jeritan hati tak terjawab. 

Ucap di bibir janganlah diharap.

07.06.15,

The Birthday Girl

"Most girls will tell stories about their relationship......"

Well, I'm not most girls. 

Brunch with a friend today inspires me to look deeper into myself. I'm a very..unique - if I may say - girl. I'm a pragmatic person. I buy things only when I need them. I don't like shopping. I can be impulsive at times, but my spendings would mostly based on certain conditions. Discount, function, etc.

Last week I bought a set of quite expensive bed sheet. Orange. My favorite color. My closed relatives wonder what has gotten into me that I spend money buying something expensive I don't really need. The answer actually is..because I like it. I had wanted that bed sheet over the past couple of years. And to make it up to myself, I said to me, "This is your birthday gift. You deserve it."

I like gifts. Thoughtful gifts make me happy. So hopefully, (I wish myself) I have a very happy birthday! If I can't have the real gifts, at least I can give gifts to myself :)

#randombirthdayspeech

Cinta

Kutakut akan malam. Sunyinya hati mengantar mimpi kepadamu.

Kutakut akan esok pagi. Tiada hari kulewati tanpa memikirkanmu. 

Kutakut mencintai. Lemahnya hati sakiti aku dan dirimu. 

Kutakut dicintai. Tiada henti kuingin milikimu. 

Cinta,

Aku di sini. Selalu di sini. 

Kau jauh di sana. Entah di mana. 

Cinta,

Mimpi indah kemarin jangan bangunkan aku. 

Mimpi buruk hari ini biarlah berlalu. 

Cinta,

Berakhirkah kita?

-LL-

Disguised

Alicia Keys' Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart playing while her heart is crying a river, but her eyes had ran out of tears. She is holding on and holding back. Going down and standing up. She is trying her best, but she keeps losing her strength. She is lost and weakened. 

One thing she keeps telling her heart: what's not meant to be is not meant to be. What's meant to be, will eventually be...

Emosi

Saya ini tipe orang yang susah move on. Bisa dibilang, sulit menerima kenyataan. Sering sekali saya mengambil suatu keputusan yang didasari emosi atau keinginan sesaat, untuk kemudian disesali. Pun begitu, saya percaya segala sesuatu sudah ada jalannya. Hal-hal yang saya sesali saat ini, pasti suatu hari nanti akan saya syukuri. Segala sesuatu terjadi bukan tanpa alasan. Kalau saya melihat ke belakang sekarang dan merenungi perjuangan hidup saya, banyak hal yang dulu rasanya sulit dihadapi, sekarang berbuah manis. Karena itu, sesulit apa pun masalah yang saya hadapi sekarang, kelak pasti akan saya syukuri hikmahnya.

Seorang teman pernah mengatakan, "This too shall past." Walau berat, pasti akan kita lewati!

A Girl's Talk

She gets to do whatever she wants, whatever she likes.

She always gets the best. 

She is the queen. 

She gets to choose. 

She gets to ask. 

She gets to demand. 

She gets to complain. 

She can come and go anytime. 

She is in control. 

I have to accept whatever I don't want, whatever I dont like. 

I take the leftovers. 

I am nobody. 

I don't have a choice. 

I can't ask. 

I have a dead end. 

I swallow my complaints. 

I hide all the time. 

I am out of control. 

She gets anything. I lose everything. 

Now tell me what love is. 

And tell me how to love. 

Come tell me what pain is. 

And tell me how to solve. 

The End

He's made his decision. No more tears. No regrets. Move on. Don't look back. Heaven is not for us. Will never be. In the end, I am just no one. But life goes on. This too shall past.

Sayonara..

My Life

Another month has past. Time flies. This time last year, I wouldn't be dreaming of where I am now. And this is life. Every second is a journey. Good news, bad news, no one knows. We live it, we feel it. Whatever happens, good or bad, shall past and become memories. Embrace every moment. Enjoy the happiness, feel the sadness. Life is us, living every second of it.