Gravity

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do,
I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free.
Leave me be.
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

Oh, you loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while.
And all my fragile strength is gone.

But you're neither friend nor foe.
Though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down..........

-letras-

Dear L

What we had was sweet. I couldn't resist.
What you said was unexpected. No regrets.
What you did was touching. True feelings.

How it all happened, I don't know.
Why we let it happen, I'm not sure.
How we fix it, I have no idea.

Hey, look what you've done to me.
I've never felt anything like this before.

But.. You didn't know. You'd never understand. The sorrow. The pain.

Heaven is not for us.

Side Story

Hot shower just before midnight is always the best comforting feeling in a day. Grab the towel, go to her room to 'fine-tune' and then straight to bed. Tomorrow is another day. Same thing everyday. Every night.

The next thing she knows is her cell phone alarm rings. Snooze. From the dark red sky to light blue. All that she wants is just to have some more time in bed. Cuddling her very soft teddy bear. But the day is waiting. So she gets up eventually. Same thing everyday. Every morning.

But there's that one day when her routine 'ritual' changes. She couldn't sleep. Only that one night.
And another day she couldn't get up from bed. That one morning.

How Random

Roses are red. Sky is blue.
Lay in my bed. I think of you.

"The sun went down a long time ago, and it's not coming back up." -Olivia Pope- (Scandal S0409)

She's an angel sent by the devil. He's the guardian of the devils. How they met, may or may not be a mystery.. Who knows.

"You pray for rain, you gotta deal with the mud too." -Denzel Washington- (The Equalizer)

Never thought I'll be where I am now, who I've become, what I've done.

Ironi Sangkal Diri

Sejak dicopet bulan lalu, saya jadi trauma naik bis umum. Rasanya kenyataan bahwa saya telah menjaga diri dengan baik namun mana sangka dihipnotis dan dicopet, membuat saya kehilangan rasa aman.

Tapi hari ini saya memberanikan diri untuk naik bis umum lagi. Bersyukur karena sampai tujuan dengan selamat (walaupun sepanjang jalan deg-degan).

Macam ironi saja. Saya naik bis pada hari itu demi menghemat ongkos. Pada akhirnya saya malah kehilangan jauh lebih banyak dari ongkos taksi.

Begitulah. Memang benar, pelajaran terbaik dalam hidup adalah proses hidup itu sendiri. Ada sebab ada akibat. Ada aksi ada reaksi. Cukup dijalani..

Pergi Tak Kembali

Hari ini tepat sebulan HP saya hilang dicopet. Walaupun mengaku sudah ikhlas, sebenarnya dalam hati kecil saya masih berharap HP saya bisa kembali, bagaimanapun caranya. Entah berapa kali saya menyalahkan diri sendiri atas kejadian itu. Seandainya saya tidak naik bus itu hari itu, tidak turun melalui pintu belakang, dll, dsb.

Saya percaya segala sesuatu ada jalannya, baik atau buruk. Tapi bukan berarti kepercayaan itu membuat saya dapat dengan mudah menerima kenyataan dan berlalu begitu saja.

Saya bukan penggila teknologi. HP yang hilang juga bukan keluaran terbaru atau termahal. Tapi HP tersebut merupakan hadiah ulang tahun dari kakak saya. Awalnya butuh waktu bagi saya menyesuaikan diri dengan cara penggunaannya. Sampai tidak disadari, HP itu sudah seperti teman bagi saya. Lebay? Mungkin. Tapi itu benar. Di jaman yang serba canggih dengan tingkat mobilitas tinggi seperti sekarang ini, bisa dibilang hampir seluruh waktu luang saya gunakan untuk mengutak-atik HP saya. Terutama karena komputer di rumah juga sudah hampir 'pensiun.'

Mungkin tanggal 25 bulan depan saya masih akan berpikir seperti ini, mungkin sedikit lebih baik, atau jauh lebih baik. Yang saya tahu, saya hanya perlu bertahan dan terus berjalan. Masalah besar akan menjadi kecil. Masalah kecil akan selesai. Kalau mengutip lirik lagu salah satu penyanyi country kesukaan saya, terkadang gunung yang selama ini kita daki hanyalah tumpukan pasir saja.

Attentive

 "Hi. How have you been? We're hosting a Christmas party and will have you join us as well."

She put her phone down. Wow. She knows that she was always the favorite. She was always told so. And it was obvious. Everybody can see. Some would say sincerely, "You're smart and beautiful." Some would say sarcasticly, "You're beautiful."

She just never thought that she would still be remembered after she left for a year. Not to mention her declining previous invitation to a weekend trip recently.

Why? Why am I so special? 

She stepped into her room to wipe her wet face. The weather is too warm to be true. And her physical condition just makes everything seems worse. As she looks in the mirror, she asks the girl standing in front of her. "Who are you, really? You're not as beautiful as they say. You're not as smart and attractive as what you're used to be told." She can hear nothing but silence.

Careless Whisper

I'm never gonna dance again
Guilty feet have got no rhythm
Though it's easy to pretend..

Time can never mend
The careless whisper
To the heart and mind
Ignorance is kind
There's no comfort in the truth
Pain is all you'll find

Tonight the music seems so loud
I wish that we could lose this crowd
Maybe it's better this way
We'd hurt each other with the things we want to say
We could have been so good together
We could have lived this dance forever

Careless whisper..

-letras-

Red Velvet

A slice of red velvet to start the day. She knows better than anyone else, that it's not her favorite. But she wanted it today, so she had it. It's red. It's only a slice of cake. She thinks while eating. Finished. It's done. 

Behind the closed door.

I went to a Japanese restaurant for lunch yesterday. Curious of what it's like, what it serves. Unlike any other restaurants, its door is always closed. With a specific operational hours signboard hanging on the door.

I opened the door. It was twenty minutes before they open. Two ladies standing with a "hello?" look on their face. I don't think this is a good idea. "Have you made your reservation?" "No," I quickly responded. "Did you know what kind of food we serve?" "Not really," I answered honestly. "We .........................................."

Door closed. I walked out, headed to another restaurant. Now I know.

If you ever wondered what's behind the closed door, be ready to walk in, discover in the darkness. Then, you may choose to walk away. Just walk out.

Taxi Driver

He started a conversation. She responded. They talked about life in the mega city. "Life is hard," they agreed. She kept talking. She kept laughing. Hoping the taxi driver didn't notice her eyes are red. The car stopped. He gave her his last words. "Hey, lady, don't forget - life's hard!" She laughed again, tried a bigger one this time. Not sure if it was the taxi driver or herself that she tried to convince. "Indeed!" -door closed, the car left-

Mirror

Mirror, mirror hanging on the wall.
You don't have to tell her who's the biggest fool of all.
Mirror, mirror hanging on the wall.
I wish you could lie to her.

Mirror, mirror, she's just a girl. Let her cry.
Mirror, mirror, she's broken and she's not a woman.
Mirror, mirror, she's been there once. She's been there twice. Let her tears run dry. Another day won't make her die.

Mirror, mirror, she tried. She's tired. Let her rest.
Mirror, mirror, she had enough. She is tough.
So let her be. Let it be.

Mirror, mirror, you don't have to tell her..
She will smile tomorrow, and no one needs to know.

When she look into the mirror, tell her she's fine, and don't tell them why..

Lost in Space

I lost my phone last month. And since I was so used to using mobile blogging, I forgot to update this blog. So, I missed a month's post.

They say things happen for a reason. I believe that. I lost my phone for a reason - though I couldn't figure out what it is. I didn't see it coming. I have some bad feelings prior to the incident, but I guess I just ignore them. I kind of noticed when it happened, but I didn't really connect with my consciousness.

If you know what I'm saying...

She (finally) sees and shoots (again)!

Alone, waiting..

Sun shines through the day

Harmony in Simplicity

Colorance

In Writing

I remember the flowers you gave me. It was unexpected and I was so happy.

I remember we went shopping together but ended up buying nothing. 

I remember the car accident we almost had, but thanks to God and your driving skills, nothing happened. 

I remember we had coffee in the evening and caused you awake until 4am. 

I remember the first time we hold hands and wouldn't let go even when your friends start teasing us. 

I remember the weekend trip and the dinner we had with my family. 

I remember when I accidently dropped your new cell phone on the floor and you were trying to look okay. 

I remember your hesitation when I gave you a hug. It was our first and last. 

Dear,

I remember almost everything we had, the times we spent together. 

I realize I hurt you, but remember I felt hurt myself...

Before and After

When I was a teenager, I always envy people in their suit passing by every morning to get to work. Now, I feel tired with my routine.

Since I was a child, I've always dreamed of having my own bedroom. But now, I'm not so happy about it. 

Years ago when I first started my job, I daydream of that one day when I will work at a large company. Now, I'm not that excited.

I used to admire a friend with her executive look. But now, I wish I'm more fashionable. 

I always wonder if I've ever had a chance to graduate college with a "cum laude" honor. Surprisingly, now I'm not so proud about it. 

Once when I was at my worst condition, I prayed to be healthy and was willing to exchange it with anything. Now, I ignore my physical needs. 

I hoped to know what love is. But then I let go of the only man I've ever loved. 

Looking back the days, weeks, months, years that I've been through. So much that I have accomplished. So many things I have achieved. So many wishes came true. So many lessons learned. Tons of experience. Lots of surprises. Yet, I complain more than I thank. Wasted. 

If I were to continue, the list would be very long and continuous. I should be grateful of my life.Through the ups and downs,  I should be happy of what I have. 

Bertanya

Beberapa hari yang lalu kantor kami kedatangan tamu, dan supir kantor berkesempatan mengantarnya ke bandara. Keesokan harinya, si supir mengatakan kepada saya bahwa si tamu sangat baik. Saya mengiyakan sebelum si supir menyambung kalimatnya, "Dia kasih tip lebih besar dibanding tamu-tamu yang lain." 

Hm.. Menarik. Ternyata si supir menilai seseorang baik dari berapa besar tip yang dia terima. Sedangkan saya mengiyakan karena tamu tersebut berkunjung dengan ramah dan tidak menyulitkan pekerjaan saya. 

Masing-masing dari kami punya standar penilaian tersendiri, yang tentunya berdasarkan apa yang paling menguntungkan bagi kami. Jujur saya sempat berpikir "ngga banget" saat mendengar alasan si supir. Tapi kemudian saya lanjut berpikir, bagaimana dengan saya sendiri? 

Miliknya

Mencintai membuatku merenungkan apa arti cinta yang sebenarnya.

Menyayangi membuatku kehilangan rasa sayang yang sesungguhnya. 

Memutuskan membuatku berpikir akan penyesalan. 

Menyalahkan membuatku menyangkal kenyataan. 

Itu dia... Dia. 

Hanya dia.. Dia. 

"Seandainya" menjawab "mengapa"

"Karena" dijawab "harusnya"

Itu dia.. Dia. 

Hanya dia... Dia. 

Bila kemarin jalani hari ini 'tuk sambut hari esok.

Langkah yang terhenti akhirnya sampai di pelosok. 

Berpaling 'tuk yakinkan diri. 

Berlari hentikan mimpi. 

Dia..?

Hanya Berkata

Satu bulan yang lalu saya mendapat tawaran kerja yang sangat menarik. Bahkan dari segi pendapatan, angka yang ditawarkan merupakan impian saya sejak beberapa tahun yang lalu. Namun dengan mempertimbangkan beberapa hal, saya menolak tawaran tersebut. 

Akhir-akhir ini saya sedang menghadapai beberapa kesulitan di pekerjaan. Sempat terlintas dalam pikiran saya, kenapa saya menolak tawaran pekerjaan yang sangat menarik demi bertahan dengan pekerjaan yang sangat "menarik."  Teman saya menganggap bahwa pemikiran saya itu suatu bentuk penyesalan. Tetapi sebenarnya itu merupakan motivasi dari diri saya sendiri untuk mengingat kembali apa yang membuat saya bertahan. 

Penyesalan bukan jawaban, melainkan pelajaran untuk tidak kembali menyesal di masa depan. 

Selintas Kata

Baru-baru ini saya mendapatkan tawaran pekerjaan yang sangat menarik. Dengan penuh syukur saya menolak tawaran tersebut. Kenapa? Mungkin saya bodoh. Tapi bukan berarti saya menolak tanpa berpikir. 

Tidak pernah terbayang kalau saya akan mendapatkan tawaran yang bagus bahkan tanpa mencari. Sampai beberapa bulan yang lalu saya sangat ingin pindah kerja. Mungkin justru karena itu lah, saya memantapkan diri untuk bertahan. Karena sudah sejauh ini saya berjuang. Saya tidak boleh berhenti di tengah jalan tanpa hasil. 

Otak saya berpikir jernih dan tidak mau melewatkan kesempatan ini. Tapi hati saya tidak setuju. Memberontak menginginkan pertahanan diri. 

Dan beginilah akhirnya. Saya ikuti kata hati. Meyakinkan diri bahwa ini adalah keputusan yang terbaik. 

Godaan boleh datang. Perjuangan berikan lelah. Pergumulan sebabkan keraguan. Tapi Dia, selalu ada berikan ketenangan.